A letter to Galen
Note: After the last post on this blog we finally met again with Galen and spent another 10 days in Thailand, before he headed back home for work. I am writing this letter using some of the language he would use, because it made me laugh so much.
Hey!
After I let you take the bus from Kao San road, guess what’s the first thing I did? Banana and egg pancake!! For once I got to eat it all on my own without having to share it with you, I was so happy! I took it back to the hotel room and dipped it in the Nutella pot, so good. Then the next day when I went to the airport to catch my flight to Calcutta, I had the rest of the pot in my handbag, and some crazy customs lady said I couldn’t take it because it was liquid! Is it my fault if it’s so hot in her stupid country that the Nutella melts?? I would’ve insulted her but I’m scared of Thai authorities. I was screaming ‘ICEHOLE!!!’ from inside though…
Then in the airport I met this English guy, Jason, and we realised we were both flying to Calcutta. Nice guy, I think you’d probably like him, and you know the way you sweat like crazy when you eat, well he sweats about triple that, and not even when he eats, just naturally. Very impressive. So I just got him a nice little handkerchief so he can wipe off his dripping face.
Our first evening in Calcutta we went to a tiny restaurant to have a thali with this Spanish guy we also met, Pau. He’s very young, it’s his first trip, it was his first night in India, so we fell for him, poor lost buddy. He obviously never had spicy food before. And the thali we had trust me was nothing compared to thai food. But this guy Pau, at the beginning we were all talking it was all good, then only me and Jay were talking, and then we hear a weird noise coming from Pau, and he’s nearly choking on his food his face all red and sweaty. So we obviously smile with Jay, I graciously offer him some water and we cintinue our conversation. But the noises become more frequent, the guy can’t even pronounce a word because he can’t feel his tongue anymore, the tongue is sticking out, he starts eating frantically my rice. By that time, I have to maintain my head very low toward my plate to not let him see my stupid giggles. He ends up grabbing an entire nan, rolling it in a huge ball, sticking it in his mouth, and leaving it there, his mouth wide open with a big roll of nan sticking out, for ages, suposedly to ease the fire in his mouth. I can’t even think about it without having the giggles again. I swear I’ve never seen such a weak sauce…
Apart from that I like Calcutta, even though I’ve been looking everywhere for surfer dudes and couldn’t find any.. and I was quite disappointed that there are no 7 Eleven shops that you can walk into just for a breath of air-con. And you’ll be disappointed to hear there’s not much hookers round here, but loads of huccas!
However, I did find something for you. You can find in Calcutta and I believe in the whole of India the biggest fruit cakes in the world. Guys that are dressed like they were kidnapped at the time of Grease and only now got released into the real world. Guys that wear their pants so tight you can detail their little butts even better than our Lao buddies in their undies. For some weird reason they like to show to the world their lack of man boobs, and I’m grateful to you that you have demonstrated so many times the importance for a real man to have real man boobs. I can’t even start to explain what the hell is wrong with their hair, it looks like a really bad 70s wig, they walk like pimps and come up to me as if they were the hottest guys in town. Very fruity they are! Otherwise there’s loads of little buddies asking for money, which would probably drive you mad, and even I get pretty annoyed sometimes.
This morning after visiting a few things with Jay I stopped in a street food stall for a mango lassi and these two guys came up to me with huge digital cameras, told me they were working for a local newspaper and would like to take a few pictures of me drinking my lassi and using my fan. So what can I say apart from “Hell Yeah!”. It was probably because I was wearing my beautiful dress which I still claim is transparent most of the time. So I’m there in the middle of the street, with a ton of people looking at me, trying to fan myself while sipping the lassi, which is technically impossible, looking like a total sweaty douche bag, and these two guys were just going for it, from all angles, a mad photo shoot, for about 15mn. Then I thought they were gone, and they were just a bit further on the street taking more pictures of me from far away, and then I turn my back to pay and when I look back they’re half hidden in a doorway taking another ton of pictures. It was loco!
Then I saw 2 dogs humping like we saw in Phonsali, and that made me laugh. Oh and yesterday I stopped for a break in a park, I lay down to read my book, and within just about 2 minutes, guess what? A crazy pigeon or crow or whatever it was sent a massive poopy flying right onto my arm. A big dirty green and white and yellow one. And of course I had just removed the toilet paper from my bag. I felt like a total goof ball, but thank God no one noticed me. Because the rest of the time let me tell you I don’t come unnoticed in this city. When I’m walking down a street on my own the word spreads that there’s a foreign girl walking on her own about 20 meters ahead of me so as I walk all the heads are already turned towards me. Some people try to get to touch my butt or my boobies, which is pretty unpleasant, but mostly it’s quite cordial. And sometimes if I’m with Jay, we’ll be talking somewhere and some guy will come up to us and stand there in front of us as if he was part of the conversation. Except he won’t say a word, he’ll stare at us, but from real close, in a way that would be so rude back home. But we’re in India!
Hey you know how I hate walking… well I started walking at 7 this morning and haven’t stopped so I’ll go for a rest now, I’m meeting Jay for dinner pretty soon, I’m going to Benares tomorrow, and I will speak to you, later.
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